MARV ALBERT IS MY THERAPIST - New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs by Jesse Eisenberg
Me: Hi, Dr. Albert.
Marv Albert: A playoff atmosphere in here tonight!
Me: Well, it’s been a tough week. My mother came to visit me.
Marv Albert: From downtown!
Me: And, of course, she immediately asked if I was still sleeping with Sarah.
Marv Albert: Out of bounds!
Me: Exactly. It’s not her business.
Marv Albert: Unbelievable!
Me: And Sarah won’t even return my calls.
Marv Albert: Rejected!
Me: I called her, like, twelve times last night.
Marv Albert: A dozen! Unanswered!
Me: I don’t know why I’m surprised. We haven’t been intimate in months.
Marv Albert: Stuck outside the perimeter!
Marv Albert: Unable to penetrate!
Me: I guess.
Marv Albert: Just can’t find the hole!
Me: That’s a little crass, but yeah. Anyway, I actually met this other girl, Becky.
Marv Albert: A clutch rebound!
Me: She’s a waitress.
Marv Albert: Another easy opportunity!
Me: She’s just coming out of a messy divorce.
Marv Albert: A layup!
Me: And she said she hasn’t been on a date in years.
Marv Albert: Uncontested!
Read the rest: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2013/03/18/130318sh_shouts_eisenberg#ixzz2NHVZUrW1
Tumblr: OH MY WORD, IT'S A TUMBLR CHAT. IN THE NEW YORKER!
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