All Half Mad Here




MARV ALBERT IS MY THERAPIST - New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs by Jesse Eisenberg
  • Me: Hi, Dr. Albert.
  • Marv Albert: A playoff atmosphere in here tonight!
  • Me: Well, it’s been a tough week. My mother came to visit me.
  • Marv Albert: From downtown!
  • Me: And, of course, she immediately asked if I was still sleeping with Sarah.
  • Marv Albert: Out of bounds!
  • Me: Exactly. It’s not her business.
  • Marv Albert: Unbelievable!
  • Me: And Sarah won’t even return my calls.
  • Marv Albert: Rejected!
  • Me: I called her, like, twelve times last night.
  • Marv Albert: A dozen! Unanswered!
  • Me: I don’t know why I’m surprised. We haven’t been intimate in months.
  • Marv Albert: Stuck outside the perimeter!
  • Me: Yeah.
  • Marv Albert: Unable to penetrate!
  • Me: I guess.
  • Marv Albert: Just can’t find the hole!
  • Me: That’s a little crass, but yeah. Anyway, I actually met this other girl, Becky.
  • Marv Albert: A clutch rebound!
  • Me: She’s a waitress.
  • Marv Albert: Another easy opportunity!
  • Me: She’s just coming out of a messy divorce.
  • Marv Albert: A layup!
  • Me: And she said she hasn’t been on a date in years.
  • Marv Albert: Uncontested!
  • Read the rest: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2013/03/18/130318sh_shouts_eisenberg#ixzz2NHVZUrW1
  • Tumblr: OH MY WORD, IT'S A TUMBLR CHAT. IN THE NEW YORKER!
posted 2 mesi fa with 5 note

itsamemyleo:

the best interview you’ll ever see

posted 2 mesi fa via faberry · © itsamemyleo with 38889 note

I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artiste. I can’t imagine Monsieur Monet Blushing.  Paint me like one of your french whores, Jack. 

I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artiste. I can’t imagine Monsieur Monet Blushing. 

Paint me like one of your french whores, Jack. 


familygenius: and in that moment i swear we were infinite

familygenius:

and in that moment i swear we were infinite


Freddie Wong FTW

Finally, a Harlem Shake video that truly embodies my sentiments. 

posted 2 mesi fa with 2 note


deanprincesster:

what if the pope resigned because he’s pregnant with the new jesus and mtv makes a show about it called sistine and pregnant

posted 2 mesi fa via abgron · © deanprincesster with 88525 note

thebookofbeyonce: Beyonce 1:7 All things came into being through Her, and without Her not one thing came into being. The Book of Beyonce… I AM DYING.

thebookofbeyonce:

Beyonce 1:7

All things came into being through Her, and without Her not one thing came into being.

The Book of Beyonce… I AM DYING.


animalstalkinginallcaps: AFTER YOU BECOME A LEVEL EIGHT RAW VEGAN YOU CAN ASK THE ELDERS FOR ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL WHOLE FOODS. ONCE INSIDE YOU CAN ALIGN THE RUNESTONES AND SCALLIONS TO SUMMON THE TRANSFORMING SPIRITS OF ANCIENT LOCAVORES. IT’S ALL PRETTY ADVANCED STUFF. YOU ARE QUITE NEW TO OUR WAYS. FOR NOW YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST CONCENTRATE ON BUYING FAIR-TRADE AND REDUCING YOUR GLUTEN INTAKE.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

AFTER YOU BECOME A LEVEL EIGHT RAW VEGAN YOU CAN ASK THE ELDERS FOR ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL WHOLE FOODS. ONCE INSIDE YOU CAN ALIGN THE RUNESTONES AND SCALLIONS TO SUMMON THE TRANSFORMING SPIRITS OF ANCIENT LOCAVORES.

IT’S ALL PRETTY ADVANCED STUFF. YOU ARE QUITE NEW TO OUR WAYS. FOR NOW YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST CONCENTRATE ON BUYING FAIR-TRADE AND REDUCING YOUR GLUTEN INTAKE.




When I'm starting to write a paper, and I finish the introductory paragraph

whatshouldwecallme:

#lol